Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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