It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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