yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.