when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
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My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
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Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!