it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.