I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
