i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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