My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
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I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
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I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize