There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
