Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high