Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
31 People Admit To Nasty Things They Do On The Reg
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome