Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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