I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
