How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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