Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
