I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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