I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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