Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
