I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
