i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
