:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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