no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
