and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
