Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
