booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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