Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
