Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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