all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
