i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
