I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
