Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I think people are normalizing furries
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
