I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
