Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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