I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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