Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
