before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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