I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
