I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
