this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
