i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
