Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
