Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
