I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
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