I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
