Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
