He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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