So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Randomize
