Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
