this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
