Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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