your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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