The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
