I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
