you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
