Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
