Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
