Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
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So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
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how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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