i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
