I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
