Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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