at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
