is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
