I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
