Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
