come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
